I love my husband, but when it comes to the art of gift-giving, he is lame. I would go so far as saying he was the lamest *gift-giver … EVER!
This year, on my birthday, I received zip-zilch-nada. Not even a card. See? Lame. He claims that I am difficult to buy for.
Au contraire, Arsehat.
I reckon I’d be easy to choose for – If it smells good and is shiny, you can wrap that shit up, because … *newsflash* I dig that crap.
Just to prove how easy it would be to please the tired, overworked, under-pampered, mother-of-his children, I have penned this post. I think I’ve managed to outline exactly the kind of things he could arrange at little-to-no expense to himself for this coming festive season …
My ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ wish list!
On the first day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
Five minutes alone to pee
On the second day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
Two shaved legs
And five minutes alone to pee
On the third day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
Three working pens
Two shaved legs
And five minutes alone to pee
On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
Four bras that fit
Three working pens
Two shaved legs
And five minutes alone to pee
On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
Five made beds
Four bras that fit
Three working pens
Two shaved legs
And five minutes alone to pee
On the sixth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
Six pics with me in them
Five made beds
Four bras that fit
Three working pens
Two shaved legs
And five minutes alone to pee
On the seventh day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
Seven sneaky Tim Tams
Six pics with me in them
Five made beds
Four bras that fit
Three working pens
Two shaved legs
And five minutes alone to pee
On the eighth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
Eight naps in daytime
Seven sneaky Tim Tams
Six pics with me in them
Five made beds
Four bras that fit
Three working pens
Two shaved legs
And five minutes alone to pee
On the ninth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
Nine uninterrupted phone calls
Eight naps in daytime
Seven sneaky Tim Tams
Six pics with me in them
Five made beds
Four bras that fit
Three working pens
Two shaved legs
And five minutes alone to pee
On the tenth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
Ten gin and tonics
Nine uninterrupted phone calls
Eight naps in daytime
Seven sneaky Tim Tams
Six pics with me in them
Five made beds
Four bras that fit
Three working pens
Two shaved legs
And five minutes alone to pee
My true love sent to me:
Eleven kid-free date nights
Ten gin and tonics
Nine uninterrupted phone calls
Eight naps in daytime
Seven sneaky Tim Tams
Six pics with me in them
Five made beds
Four bras that fit
Three working pens
Two shaved legs
And five minutes alone to pee
On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
Twelve months of Netflix
Eleven kid-free date nights
Ten gin and tonics
Nine uninterrupted phone calls
Eight naps in daytime
Seven sneaky Tim Tams
Six pics with me in them
Five made beds
Four bras that fit
Three working pens
Two shaved legs
And five minutes alone to peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
And if all of that fails, the dodgy bastard could at least hook me up with some bling, ya know?
What would you have on your Christmas list?
*2017 Disclaimer: Last year for my 40th he arranged for my friends to meet me in Fiji as a surprise. So there was that.
Thanks for the giggles! And good luck! Hope you get all of the above, including the thermomix =D
Oh gosh – have you been to a demo yet. I’m not sure how we’ve been surviving without one? *kicks blender in the face*
You are a classic, Rebs. I’m so glad I tracked down your blog BWAHAHAHAAHA (evil laugh) (just in case you were wondering) (and I’m not sure why either). x
Oooh yeah! Loves me an evil laugh. I hope your pinky was resting against your chin x
I literally LOL’d at ‘Au Contraire, Aresehat’. Totally adding that gem to my repertoire! And I have to say, I’m SO LUCKY to have a husband that is an awesome gift giver! He’s bought me hand-bags, jewellery, clothing and ALWAYS gets it right. Weirdo huh? He was raised by two shop-a-holic women though, so he’s a rare breed! That said, he has no idea how to get his dirty clothes into the dirty clothes basket….so, you know. Take what you can get!
Choose ya battles!
He did OK though – Got me some funky lanterns type thingies ( so specific) and some cool shit from the kids. he must read this blog after all.
Bahahahahaha! Love it! I’d scrap it all for just one chance to pee alone…. IN SILENCE! No knocking on the door, accompanied by “Muuuuuuuum! Whatchu doin’?” My hubby is a shocker too… and then I think he realised how shit he’d been and made up for it with an iPad mini for my b’day this year. I’m expecting that will be the last gift for the next decade. Good luck with the Thermie! 😛
No thermie. Arsehat!
Once I was in the bath and my son came in to ‘drop the kids off’ in the loo right next to me. NO MANNERS!
Hahahaha! I love it but you already had me at “Au contraire, Arsehat”
Thank ya! What’s on your wish list?