Parenting hurts. I’m not talking in an emotional ‘Oh, my heart is on the outside now’ kind of way – although there is that.
What I’m talking about is the stuff that’s not in the parenting books.
See, the reality behind the soft focus stock images of happy, smiling families, is that becoming a parent means that you are never, ever quite physically comfortable again.
It’s true.
Kids are sharp. And sticky. And it f#$king hurts to be around them sometimes.
Heres some examples:
1. Salon day
Only those who have had a toddler style their hair know the level of pain we are talking here.
Sure, it starts out innocently enough … “Let me do your hair, Mamma.”
Next minute, a brush makes contact with your head using brute force.
Now the brush is dragged back through your hair – usually against the grain – several times. Each point of skull impact becomes harder than the last, and at some point ‘the brusher’ will hit a snag.
This snag is dealt with by the brusher aggressively wiggling and twisting the brush back and forth a few times until a dreadlock (or a bald patch) forms. The brusher will usually decide that the best course of action is to tug and bang the brush against your skull several times with increasing force.
If the brush does manage to become untangled, you are about the be hit the next level of pain – which is a toddler bunching up your hair – including your new dreadlock – and attempting to hold it together with an elastic band.
One positive: It usually only takes a toddler six to seven minutes to create total hair chaos, before skipping off on their next adventure, leaving you looking like Edward Scissorhands.
2. Ow, my nose
All parents know that eye watering, nasal impact is part of the game. What can seem like the most innocent activities may result in a face-numbing, eye-blackening, toddler head/foot/elbow to the bridge of your schnoz.
Beware when cuddling, kissing, getting children out of baths, putting children in prams, doing up seatbelts, leaning down, ball games, swimming, bed-sharing … being in the vicinity of a child ever …
3. Scalping
Babies and toddlers have a knack of stealthily reaching around and grasping those tiny fine hairs on the nape of your neck, twisting them up in their squishy little fingers and yanking the shit outta them. Since this usually occurs while you are holding them, this means that your hands are occupied and you are completely at their mercy.
Your shoulders can rise, your neck can twist, you can squeal out in pain, but until they let go there is jack-shit you can do about it!
4. The ‘step and grind’ manoeuvre
It doesn’t matter if either of you are wearing shoes – although this tends to occur while they are shod and you are not – there is a special kind of pain that children are great at administering – and that is ‘the step and grind’.
It’s always painful when someone steps on your foot, but usually the mistake is noticed straight away and the offending foot removed with haste and apologies.
Not so, when the offending foot belongs to a child. They either:
a) Haven’t noticed that their foot is now on unstable ground, or
b) Have noticed and could not give a rats.
It takes a a lot of hopping and complaining before a child will take foot removal action, and even then they’ll preface it with a last minute dig and deep grind.
Other notable foot injuries committed by children are the heel ram – most often felt when you’ve succumbed to the pressure of allowing them to use the childrens’ trolleys at Bunnings, and the ‘sole attack’ – see point #10.
5. Nuts – They’ll find them
My husband can not relax.
EVER!
He needs to be on alert for testicle impact at any given moment. Any lapse in his guard and it’s toddler in the nut zone within seconds.
He swears they have an inbuilt homing device.
Climbing up on Dad’s lap? Let’s use his willy as a step ladder.
Running towards Dad for a cuddle? Head down … charge!
Dancing? Best get an elbow in the family jewels, hey?
6. Books aren’t as innocent as they seem
Read them books, they say. It’s a great bonding experience, they say. Nothing bad ever came from reading books, they say.
Bullshit.
The thing with children’s books is those hard freaking covers. On more than one occasion I have suffered a book corner in the eye, nose or boob as an enthusiastic toddler waves it about in a bid for immediate action.
7. Children are sharp
Naw, cuddling a babe – how precious is that?
What you don’t see in those soft focus images of loving, parent/child unions are the elbows in the chest, the boob squashes and the toddler heels digging into your thighs. Kids are sharp, did you know that?
8. The earring yank
Similar to the nape-hair scalping, little fingers just love to hone in and tug like f@#k!
Pain level: Extruciating
9. You will get bitten
Baby teeth are sharp. That is all.
10. LEGO, Matchbox Cars and Barbie shoes are hell incarnate
“Everything is awesome …..” except stepping on motherf@#king LEGO.
Your feet have up to 200,000 exteroceptors, or nerves, that connect directly to your brain – meaning that your feet are among the most nerve-rich parts of your body.
Combine this with two more factors:
a) Kids toys are hard and pointy
b) Kids don’t put things away
… and what you are left with is a world of freaking pain.
11. Knuckle grazing
If your child has a bunk bed, or a novelty car bed, or a god damn loft bed – you will know the pain that is making those beds in winter.
Knuckles will scrape, you will cry. There is nothing you can do about it.
12. Sleep time
OK, so it’s the middle of the night, and the fruit of your loins has pee’d their bed, or had a nightmare and they want to snuggle. You wiggle over and let them in.
Big mistake. Huge.
You know and I know that you are going to wake in the morning feeling like someone has harvested your organs during the night.
Using a law of averages, you can rest (ha … as if) assured that the heels and elbows will make contact with your face, ribs and kidneys at least 7869 times.
13. Aqua-parenting
Swimming with kids – you’re in the water, nothing hurts in water, right?
False.
Whether you are in a pool, spa or the ocean – they will ‘accidentally’ pull your hair, wedgie your bathers, push boogie boards and aqua toys into your chin, nose and forehead, they’ll bomb you, pierce your eardrums with their squeals, dunk you, scratch you, climb up you by using your anatomy as handles …
Plus – beaching with children increases the sand in your bathers by 89 percent. Fact.
That’s my list, what do you reckon? Anything I’ve missed?
#5 had me in fits. Sorry, guys. My husband knows your husband’s pain – let me just say, we have a two year old boy who is a healthy weight for a four-five year old. And he knows how to use the weight, ‘intentional’ or not. As for earrings, necklaces, bracelets? I’ve learned my lesson.
How do they have such focus? HOW?
Nailed it!!! I’m just glad I don’t have nuts.
Oh me too … me too!
You are soooooo spot on. My daughter likes to sit on my husband like he is a couch, and also climb up on his neck and just sit there, sometimes pulling his hair or shoving her hands up his nose. Having a kid hurts!
It’s genuine pain!
It’s all true! When my son was younger we were laying on a mattress in front of the tv in our pjs. I was laying on my side while propping my head up with my hand. My little darling decided to get up and walk across the mattress. Somehow he managed to to do the stand and grind on my nipple! Oh the pain was incredible. My partner thought it was hilarious…until an unfortunate incident with the family jewels and a board book.
Oh man, my nipple just retracted reading that!