Look, I don’t want to be a crazy person.
I am fun, dammit. I am a funny, fun loving, fun, fun, FUN person. OK?
But, and I will be the first to admit, there are some things that make me not fun. Things like heavy sighing, and hissing, and marching into the living room brandishing an empty cardboard cylinder over my head while banshee wailing: “WHYYYYYY? Why will nobody ever put the f#cking toilet paper on the roll?”
It’s just that I seem to be looking at our home through a different set of eyes than the rest of my family. I can see simple tasks that need to be done, that the rest of the family just can not, or will not, notice. I have my mum-lenses on.
Now, I know in some families it’s the dad that wears the lenses – or even one of the kids if both the parents are slobs – but in my home it is me.
I was once quite house-proud, maybe even a little bit too house-proud, but having four kids has nipped any notions I had of ever being able to have a clean home squarely in the bud. I’ve let go of a lot of ‘stuff’. ‘Cleanish’ is my new clean, and that’s OK.
Having said that, there are still some menial, everyday tasks that need to get done, and in a household full of people, I seem to be the only one who can see them.
Please, allow me to rant:
1. The mother#cking toilet roll is empty
Dear family, watch me …
2. Errm, we do have a dishwasher, ya know?
Below our kitchen sink, and just to the right is a magical machine that cleans our dishes. I’m not sure if the rest of my family can’t see that machine, or maybe they have seen it and assume that it is the motor for the house … or something? Who knows, all I know is that they never touch it.
It is fortunate for them – that by the power of magic – when they dump their filthy, food crusted plates in a haphazard pile in the sink or on the bench, the very next time they need them they’ll be in the cupboard waiting for them.
What I say: “Dudes, I’ll say it again – don’t be so freaking lazy. Rinse your dishes off, and put them straight in the dishwasher. Easy.”
What they hear: “Hey gang, there’s more food in the fridge, so go right ahead and dirty more plates, then dump them so that I can come along and move them two feet for you. I love that shit.”
3. Why are those clothes on the floor … again?
In our bathrooms there are laundry hampers designed for the dirty washing to go in prior to it’s run through the washing machine. They make a lot of sense, so when my clothes are dirty, I put them in those baskets.
The rest of the family use those baskets as target practise for when they are throwing their clothes on the floor. They’re pretty accurate too, most of the time the clothes on the floor are actually touching the basket. Well, who can blame them? Opening basket lids is for pussies, right?
Speaking of clothes on the floor, I am also the only person in this house who can see the wardrobes. My beloved, Andy, is a particular demon for a bit of floordrobe action. Clothes love the floor, why fight it? #wrinklesforlyfe
4. Oh, we need more food?
What I think a kitchen is for: The kitchen is a place where we store and prepare the food that we eat, as well as the place where you’ll find all of the utensils one needs for said food preparation. It also houses equipment that allows us to refrigerate our food, as well as facilities for cleaning up after meal prep and consumption.
It’s also where I keep the wine.
What they think the kitchen is for: An awesome room with heaps of cupboards full of shit, that I can take out, de-lid and scatter all over the benches. It’s also where the fridge is. Most of the time there is stuff to eat in that fridge, but sometimes, I dunno – it’s broken or something – and there is nothing I like to eat in there. To fix it, you just have to go and whine near mum. I’m not sure why that fixes it – but if you do it long enough, next time you go look, there is food in it again. It’s pretty cool.
It’s also a great room for dumping out the content of school bags, leaving work clothes or towels … or skateboards … or toys … or notes that were meant to be handed in weeks ago. You can just dump those notes anywhere, doesn’t matter if there is food, or water, or whatever in the way – it’s fine.
It’s also where mum keeps her wine.
A message to my family: If you leave the empty packets in the cupboard and fridge, I will assume – like a normal person – that they have food in them and will not buy more. Your moaning is futile. Put the crap in the bin.
5. The soap needs replacing
My family will work a bar of soap down to a shard without it ever occurring to them that they might just like to reach into the cupboard and get a fresh bar. They will just keep on working that shard till it is barely even three dimensional. I’m guessing that they think it’s like some sort of sudsy, lizard’s tail that eventually grows back.
Newsflash: There is more soap in the cupboard … jerks.
I want to be fun again. Come on guys, help a mother out here.
Are there jobs in your house that you are the only one to see?