Look, I don’t want to be a crazy person.
I am fun, dammit. I am a funny, fun loving, fun, fun, FUN person. OK?
But, and I will be the first to admit, there are some things that make me not fun. Things like heavy sighing, and hissing, and marching into the living room brandishing an empty cardboard cylinder over my head while banshee wailing: “WHYYYYYY? Why will nobody ever put the f#cking toilet paper on the roll?”
It’s just that I seem to be looking at our home through a different set of eyes than the rest of my family. I can see simple tasks that need to be done, that the rest of the family just can not, or will not, notice. I have my mum-lenses on.
Now, I know in some families it’s the dad that wears the lenses – or even one of the kids if both the parents are slobs – but in my home it is me.
I was once quite house-proud, maybe even a little bit too house-proud, but having four kids has nipped any notions I had of ever being able to have a clean home squarely in the bud. I’ve let go of a lot of ‘stuff’. ‘Cleanish’ is my new clean, and that’s OK.
Having said that, there are still some menial, everyday tasks that need to get done, and in a household full of people, I seem to be the only one who can see them.
Please, allow me to rant:
1. The mother#cking toilet roll is empty
Dear family, watch me …
2. Errm, we do have a dishwasher, ya know?
Below our kitchen sink, and just to the right is a magical machine that cleans our dishes. I’m not sure if the rest of my family can’t see that machine, or maybe they have seen it and assume that it is the motor for the house … or something? Who knows, all I know is that they never touch it.
It is fortunate for them – that by the power of magic – when they dump their filthy, food crusted plates in a haphazard pile in the sink or on the bench, the very next time they need them they’ll be in the cupboard waiting for them.
What I say: “Dudes, I’ll say it again – don’t be so freaking lazy. Rinse your dishes off, and put them straight in the dishwasher. Easy.”
What they hear: “Hey gang, there’s more food in the fridge, so go right ahead and dirty more plates, then dump them so that I can come along and move them two feet for you. I love that shit.”
3. Why are those clothes on the floor … again?
In our bathrooms there are laundry hampers designed for the dirty washing to go in prior to it’s run through the washing machine. They make a lot of sense, so when my clothes are dirty, I put them in those baskets.
The rest of the family use those baskets as target practise for when they are throwing their clothes on the floor. They’re pretty accurate too, most of the time the clothes on the floor are actually touching the basket. Well, who can blame them? Opening basket lids is for pussies, right?
Speaking of clothes on the floor, I am also the only person in this house who can see the wardrobes. My beloved, Andy, is a particular demon for a bit of floordrobe action. Clothes love the floor, why fight it? #wrinklesforlyfe
4. Oh, we need more food?
What I think a kitchen is for: The kitchen is a place where we store and prepare the food that we eat, as well as the place where you’ll find all of the utensils one needs for said food preparation. It also houses equipment that allows us to refrigerate our food, as well as facilities for cleaning up after meal prep and consumption.
It’s also where I keep the wine.
What they think the kitchen is for: An awesome room with heaps of cupboards full of shit, that I can take out, de-lid and scatter all over the benches. It’s also where the fridge is. Most of the time there is stuff to eat in that fridge, but sometimes, I dunno – it’s broken or something – and there is nothing I like to eat in there. To fix it, you just have to go and whine near mum. I’m not sure why that fixes it – but if you do it long enough, next time you go look, there is food in it again. It’s pretty cool.
It’s also a great room for dumping out the content of school bags, leaving work clothes or towels … or skateboards … or toys … or notes that were meant to be handed in weeks ago. You can just dump those notes anywhere, doesn’t matter if there is food, or water, or whatever in the way – it’s fine.
It’s also where mum keeps her wine.
A message to my family: If you leave the empty packets in the cupboard and fridge, I will assume – like a normal person – that they have food in them and will not buy more. Your moaning is futile. Put the crap in the bin.
5. The soap needs replacing
My family will work a bar of soap down to a shard without it ever occurring to them that they might just like to reach into the cupboard and get a fresh bar. They will just keep on working that shard till it is barely even three dimensional. I’m guessing that they think it’s like some sort of sudsy, lizard’s tail that eventually grows back.
Newsflash: There is more soap in the cupboard … jerks.
I want to be fun again. Come on guys, help a mother out here.
Are there jobs in your house that you are the only one to see?
All of the above. And no one ever notices that the rubbish needs to be taken out or the plants need watering either …
Exactly. EXACTLY.
toothpaste on the mirror. Every day for the last 20 years. That’s how long I’ve been living with Adrian. hand prints all over our glass sliding doors (these doors have a handle which no one seems to have noticed yet). Piles of clothes on top of our dirty laundry basket (as opposed to the inside of it). A daily pile of every single drinking glass we own on the kitchen bench. Apparently one can’t possibly be expected to take a second sip of water from the same glass. Empty jars of food, milk cartons & sauce bottles in the fridge, because It’s too difficult to rinse & place in the recycling bin. I’m sure there’s plenty more, but I just noticed Adrian has gone into the shower & he’s probably forgotten where the exhaust fan switch is again, so id better go & remind him…..
Bahaaaaaaa! Adrian! At least he’s a great cook.
Oh dear, I am dreading the time when my kids are old enough to blame for all this stuff. Right now the thing that drives me batty is dirty clothes that end up in the clean washing pile so that I get the folded up stuff from the wardrobe, get ready to start dressing the minions, only to find there is crap all over a key item. So annoying!
Yes! Or a wet towel casually throw on top of clean clothes. GAH!
Yes! Yes and more yes!
Four boys in this household and they piss all over everything. Yesterday I found yellow sand and urine on the toilet seat. In a muddy, uriney puddle.
Oh, how nice – pee-swamp. How can they not hit the bowl? HOW? Every morning, if I am not careful, my arse gets a piss bath. Gross.
Ah yes, all of those plus what I like to call the ‘front door dump’. Enter the house, fling off bag, shoes and socks in the front hall and proceed into the house, so that nobody else can enter without tripping over your shit. Thank you very much!
Mr McD is a bandit for ignoring the rubbish until it’s almost overflowing, and he’s also got a well-cultivated floordrobe going on. The kids are the least of my worries!!
Yes. Most of this post was aimed squarely between the non-seeing eyes of my darling husband!
Thankfully hubby is well trained in most of those areas but would it kill him to clean a toilet or sink once in a while? Ahhhhhhh and I wish he’d stop throwing his work clothes up the top of our walk in robe. Men… Pfft!
I know, right. The toilet … THE TOILET! Particularly when it’s them with the aim issues.
Vacuuming. Why is it that everyone disappears at the mention of it? Even our dog runs away when I bring it out…!
Gah, so annoying.
Gosh, where do I start?!
You know the things in the sink that gather all the food scraps and crap to stop it clogging the drain? Yep, that! I’m the only one that seems to see when there’s crap in it to empty.
Xx
YES! Foul.
OMG yes! I love this! My husband is pretty good at cleaning when asked but THE CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR THING – NEXT to the damn washing basket! Seriously? How hard is it to put them IN the basket?
It’s completely bewildering.
You are not alone! Dirty clothes on floor right next to the freaking wash basket, dishes on bench above the dishwasher, recycling bin in kitchen overflowing but instead of just taking it outside to put in main bin, lets just shove more stuff in it until it falls on floor…
And then the bag breaks, and its gross. GAH! So lazy, drive me nuts.
There’s just me and the hubster, but yeah, all of the above. And what about the overflowing bin? I think my husband lives in a fantasy land where bins grow legs, walk to the wheelie bins and empty themselves. Pffft!
I KNOW! My husband keeps complaining that wee need bigger recycling bin. Um, dude, it’s huge – you just need to take it outside once in a while. Pfft indeed!
my husband is pretty good and helps me with the cleaning but there are a few things I notice that he doesn’t like the dog water bowl when it’s empty, the overflowing rubbish bin and toilet drips. There are plenty more im sure but these are what come to mind. Right now I do everything and can’t wait till the girls are older to be more independent. Maybe I’m disillusioned about the future?? X
My kids will help – if I point it out. Nobody else notices. The day that someone independently changes a toilet roll here will be the best day of my life.
Oh man, YES. And the hand soap dispensers that empty and magically refill themselves. And the bin that you never empty, you can surely jam just a few more items in there. Until the bag breaks and you have to lug the whole bin out and upend it in the outdoor bin….
Ugh! So annoying.