This event happened twelve months ago …
“Oh, what a great memory you have, Rebel.” I hear you admirably declare.
Sadly, no. The recall of this hilarious encounter has been brought to you by the Timehop app on my trusted Samsung. And, as with most of my stories, it occurred in my local Aldi store. I know, I know … clearly I need a life.
Here’s what happened …*cue time-travel music*
I’m at the end of aisle one when I hear thick German accents yelling; “Number 63! Number 63!”
I turn to the commotion and see an elderly couple that live in our street, and they’re heading straight for me. Great.
After clucking over Duke and blocking everyone exiting the aisle for a good several minutes, Mr German Neighbour randomly yells:
“But have you tried the pies?”
Me: “Um, pardon?”
Mr German Neighbour: “The pies. The Aldi pies. They are amazing! Come with me, we’ll get you some.”
He betrays all Aldi rules of traffic flow and begins to pull me sideways across the store towards the freezer section. Might I remind you we are still in aisle one.
Me: “Oh, OK. Well maybe I’ll have a look when I get around there, I still have some shopping to do.” I make a zigzag hand motion that indicates I have a few aisles to go before the freezer section.
Mrs German Neighbour now chimes in: “No! We’ll wait for you.”
At this point Mr & Mrs German Neighbour run a few aisles over to the freezer section and begin enthusiastically waving at me.
Fuck, pressure is on. I feel their eyes on me as I make my way through the shop. Several glances over show me that they are still waiting, and still waving. Mr German Neighbour occasionally mimes eating a pie with rapturous delight.
Ok, it IS pretty weird, but this is probably something my own mum would do to people. In fact I am sure of it, so I oblige and wave back.
The fucking pies …
When I finally arrive at the pies, things don’t go as smoothly as they might have.
Mrs German neighbour pulls some out of the freezer, looks shocked and loudly exclaims “These aren’t the same pies!”
Great.
Me: “Oh well, never mind.”
Mrs German Neighbour: “No! Wait, I’ll find out.”
At this point she calls over one Aldi attendant, who in turn calls another and once again we are blocking the aisle.
After much discussion it is ascertained that they are probably the same pies but in different packaging. Phew, crisis averted.
Mr German Neighbour now goes on to explain: “You feel like a pie? You just pop in in the microwave and then you have a pie. Brilliant!” … as he FILLS MY TROLLEY with pies. I’m not even joking. Eleven 4-packs. 44 motherfucking meat pies.
Pie assault over, they both generously hug myself and Duke before heading on their way.
I wait until they go so I can unload the pies … EXCEPT THAT THEY DON’T. They continue their way through Aldi, still totally rebelling against the flow of trolley traffic, stopping every now and then to turn and wave.
Fuck, how do I offload these pies? I slowly dawdle though the final aisle, waiting until I am sure that they have left before dumping the pies in the icecream section – sorry Aldi.
I did keep one pack, in case they ever run out and come knocking asking for some.
God, I hope they never find out I am a vegetarian.
Do you have nice pie-loving neighbours? Tell me about them.
I have a local lady, but not a direct neighbour, who follows the Jehovah Witness faith who regularly visits me and gives me lovely books, I never have the heart to tell her I don’t read, but exclaim often “oh fab, the kids love these for their homework” at Catholic school but apparently the Catholic Church is not BFF with Jejova, who knew?? She often talks about my 4 children, but I only have 3… Must just seem in the chaos i have 1 more but really it’s just Zahn being a rat and me yelling like a mad woman….
I love this. I would have loved to have seen him miming, pretending to eat the pies. Hilarious stuff.
Neighbours. I ignore them. x