Driver’s sex education – it’s a thing.

I came to the driving game late. It was only when the baby to arm ratio reached ‘not-suitable-for-the-bus’ that I had to concede, and get my licence at age 37.

Man, I hate driving.

Not everything, just – ya know – going forwards, and backwards (especially backwards), and traffic lights, and intersections, and other cars, and parking, and using the mirrors, and changing lanes, and getting the kids in and out of the one million carseats necessary because… idiot.

Anyway, that aside, there is one fun thing I have discovered about driving, and I think it has to do with my P-plates.

At first I thought the most fun I could have behind the wheel was driving my husband crazy when I park a million miles away from where we need to be just so I can NEVER, EVER do a reverse park – or simply to get one of the spots that lets you drive right through two spots, so that when you have to leave you can just drive straight out – no reversing. You know the ones? Carpark lottery.

No, the most fun I have will be short lived, for I feel that I soon as I graduate to a full licence the fun will stop.

Hormones are fun

P-plates are a red flag to the hormonally driven.

Car-loads of young dudes, young dudes by themself, even some pervy old dudes will maneuver and negotiate traffic when they see a female driver on their P-plates. End game? Who knows, I’m not sure what they think is going to happen once they get alongside their prey.

The discovery of this phenomena initially came at a price to my ego. I mean, how many times has a gal got to clock the look of pure disappointment on a young lads face, exactly?

Because that happens… a lot.

Here’s what I think is happening: Traffic is moving when the visual trifecta of a blonde, P-plater in a van registers with a car-load of fellow P-platers.

They must be thinking  ‘BINGO, we have ourselves a surfer… or even better, the Holy Grail of pervey satisfaction that is a travelling back-packer.’

They duck and weave and negotiate traffic so that when the next set of lights appears on the horizon we will be side-by-side.

They approach, eager looks on their horny little faces… when BAM!

A pushing-40, tired mother of four with a car load of screaming kids and a pencil holding up her greying hair that HATES MOTHER-FUCKING DRIVING, DAMMIT, looks across at them with a ‘what-the-shit-are-you-looking-at-fucker?’ expression on her face.

Devastation

Sometimes they stare, bewildered. Sometimes they zoom off. Sometimes they try and pretend they were actually looking at the awesomeness that is a 2002 Nissan ElGrand. Mostly they just look ripped-off.

At first I ignored these encounters – OK, that’s not true, I swore under my breath and muttered for the next few kilometres.

Not. Any. More.

Now I have found glee. Looking in my rear-vision mirror I wink; “You know what to do, kids.” I say.

WHOOP! It’s crazy time in Mum’s bus. The kids hoot, holler and wave at the lads. I give a little wave, myself, before yelling out; “Remember boys… use condoms.”

I’m pretty much sex ed’ing your teens.

You. Are. Welcome.

Tell me, how old were you when you got your licence?

Comments

  1. says

    I couldn’t get it fast enough. I was there on my birthday getting my Ls, and then my Ps as soon as I was old enough.

    I don’t know how you survived without it so long!

    Thanks for cracking me up with this story.

    It’s like when parents accidentally leave the plates on, and we used to drive up and get SO disappointed. Daggy dad. Gah.

  2. Anna says

    I was 33 when I finally got my licence & car. I get similar strange looks when they realise that the p plater is probably old enough to be their mum!!

  3. Kellie says

    I didn’t get mine until I was 21, I had a boyfriend/husband to drive me around (waaaay back in the old days!). I now have just had my son progress to his P plates and my daughter about to get her L plates …. I am an awesome teacher! Their Dad is the backup, he just gets chauffeured around, I do the teaching!!

  4. Kylie says

    35, single mum of 4(1,2,3 & 11)..hubby drove,when I kicked him out I realised I needed a licence…wouldn’t be without it now,EVER!!

    • says

      I know, right? I still hate driving – but when I think of all the things I could have done before *slaps forehead. ps – hey we have nearly the same kind of age gaps going on with the kids. Hi-five sister!

  5. Beth says

    I too got my license late, later than you in fact(44)and this phenomenon amuses me all the time, especially driving around in a little red suzuki swift…. It’s like a red rag to a bull
    But the hormonal teenager if she’s next to me thinks it’s awesome… Thus one of the reasons I try and take her nowhere
    Realistically, it’s usually me driving my drunk husband home( he has about 23 years worth of catching up to do!!)
    Can’t tell you how much FUN that is … NOT

    • says

      OH. MY. GOD. I feel your pain Beth – my husband is playing catch-ups like you wouldn’t believe. Thing is… it’s not like he was chauffeuring a pissed version of me around for all of those years. I seem to recall A LOT of cab rides.

  6. Cori says

    I’m the opposite – I got my licence as soon as I could, but then got stuck taxi-ing hubby around for ten years or so (he had a bike licence…but no bike!). It wasn’t just trips down the street either, it was to and from work every day! Many days I was in the car for up to four hours. Never been so relieved as when he finally got his P’s and a car two years ago!!!

  7. Jane says

    Such a funny post!! I was 18 when I got my licience and performed my one and only reverse parallel park. 20 years later, I too would rather walk 5kms and find a park that I can drive straight through, than have to reverse. Happy driving!

    • says

      I know, right?! I mean – the little hatchback thing that my instructor had was one thing …. but I have four kids. I drive a bus, man. A BUS.

      Forwards is the new black 😉

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